Liam and I went to the grocery store today. Sometimes, Liam is quite cute when getting groceries and other times, well let’s just say not quite so cute. Today was a cute day with just a sprinkling of potential disaster added into the mix. You have to understand that when shopping with Liam, you have a fifty/fifty chance of coming out in one piece if you do the following two things: promise him a specific item and follow through in buying said item and two, ensure you spend only a moderate amount of time shopping and by moderate, I mean whatever Liam deems reasonable (based on his mood).

Liam choice of item was Froot Loops which we were able to buy (Thank you Lord!) and the time part, well that can sometimes get a bit tricky, as was so today. My husband Karl had given me a pretty big list to pick up and we ended up having to go back and forth through the store more than a few times in order to get everything we needed. I mistakenly thought of milk only after we arrived at checkout and by that point Liam had had the biscuit. Not only did he not want to join me in running to get the milk, he was becoming quite agitated that we didn’t have it to begin with. You know, a few years back, stuff like that wouldn’t have bothered him but these days I find him more anxious about the little things he never really noticed before. Anyway, I had one of the stock boys get me the milk while Liam started crying quite loudly and yelling out “What about milk, where is the milk?” When the boy came back with it, I realized I had forgotten two more items and because of Liam’s state of mind, he more than willingly went to get them for me (you got to love that)! Ok, so we’re good to go and the disaster is averted—we get all our stuff loaded up—this part can be stressful because I have to watch Liam and pack my groceries at the same time. Every two minutes or so, I have to move him out of the road or stop him from running up and down the back of the store. One time, he was even checking out the groceries of the woman behind us—I was grateful to see that she found it amusing.

When I get home, my older son Jacob made the cutest joke when I told him about the stock boy getting my forgotten items. He said “you should have asked him to bring you a Pina Coloda at the same time.”

Life has been pretty hectic around here lately. We are coming to the end of summer and Liam’s anxiety is beginning to intensify. The crying or screaming of other children in his day camps is extremely unsettling to him. Sometimes, he can handle himself but other times, he can get aggressive with other children. As a parent, I get beside myself thinking about another child being hurt by Liam. I know my child has yet to control his emotions so that he isn’t hurting others. Certain stimuli, whether auditory or visual, combined with an already bad day, can lead to him going over the edge, so to speak. It’s weird—sometimes you see it coming a mile away, like when he’s watched something that’s bugged him or when another child is wailing but there are times where you don’t see the signs. This morning, for instance, he was having a great time drawing at the dining room table when he suddenly starts screaming about having a classmate over to the house (this invitation, I’ve come to realize is for the sole purpose of hitting someone he knows screams at school). Something went through his mind that bothered him so much that he needed someone to take it out on. I think his thoughts this morning were about going back to school. While he wants to go back, the thought of that kind of change in his life is probably overwhelming to him. A calendar in his room and my day-timer definitely calm him down. When Liam can see what his days will be like for the month, he feels more in control. Boy, can I ever relate!

My blogging time today is in a hotel room in Sudbury, Ontario, awaiting breakfast. I planned this trip to Science North and Discovery Earth back in June and picked a hotel that doesn’t have either early breakfast or pool entry, a big no no when on vacation with Liam. It therefore comes as no surprise that Liam is starting to get just a little antsy. He is pacing the room being really cute but he’s been up since 5:00am patiently waiting for food in his belly and a swim (technically he’s been up since 3:00am but I’m trying not to think about that). He coloured for a while, played on the computer, had some juice but is now just waiting, pacing and talking to himself. He likes to verbalize scenes from his movies, youtube videos he likes or tv shows and has every word memorized, expressing just the right tone for the particular scene. We still have about 45 minutes until we can go down for breakfast so I’m hoping both he and I can make it that long. My poor Jacob has been trying to sleep but Liam likes treehouse t.v. and needs some light to colour so Jacob hasn’t had much success in this endeavour.

I have to say that blogging right now is the best thing I could possibly do, a definite stress reliever. Normally, I would pick up my Bible and attempt to read and pray and I did attempt it a little while ago but it is very difficult to concentrate when I have a little Li Li doing his thing (he just came over to me and put his cheek up to my lips so I could kiss him). I have come to realize that my Lord and Saviour does not keep track the number of times I come to Him in prayer nor is He disappointed when I simply cannot. A few years back, I found myself getting anxious when I didn’t have actual sit down time with him and He made me realize that stress was the last thing He wanted for me, especially when it came to spending quiet time with Him. I think of Psalm 23 whereby it says He makes me lie down in green pastures. I have a God who wants me to have His rest and peace; He accepts my worship as it is and knows my heart.

Liam has just asked Jake to get up so I think I am going to get ready for breakfast. I have a wonderful sister who gave up her whole weekend to help me with Liam and this is yet another wonderful gift from God. Her presence will allow me to spend extra time with Jake at the places we attend today and tomorrow when Liam gets tired. Now, Liam is saying “where’s the beef” and “cheeseburger”. I hope he knows there will be no cheeseburgers for breakfast.

I got my hair cut pretty short recently, something Liam wasn’t expecting when he came in the door two nights ago from his group-based trip to see polar bears. It was quite comical really the way he was looking at me. He grabbed my face and examined my head from every angle while running his hands through my hair. My older son Jacob told me he liked the cut earlier that day but Liam I could tell was none too thrilled. Several times on Saturday, Liam felt it necessary to express his deep displeasure by exclaiming “Mommy grow long hair” as though I could do this immediately. Today, he is no longer mentioning my hair but still examining me with a cute little look that can only be described as a combination of curious and searching. I think he’s debating whether or not he’ll be able to let this go without too much of a fuss. So far so good.

Liam has recently taken an interest in photography. While he’s always enjoyed looking at pictures and scrapbooking, it has only been in the last few months that he’s picked up our digital camera at home and attempted to take pictures. On his polar bear trip, he decided he wanted to take a camera along with him. So this morning, he was pretty obsessive about getting the pictures printed so he could do some scrapbooking. (By the way, his scrapbooking is hilarious! Liam has the unique ability of putting together a scrapbook faster than anyone else on the planet. You can sit beside him and watch him put it together but you must not advise or help the process in any way, shape or form.) Anyway, Liam tends to drive me batty when we are getting ready to go out, especially when he’s, shall we say, over-thinking a desired event or item. When he’s ready to go, he has the tendency of putting on his shoes and running outside and I don’t trust Liam alone in the yard because of his penchant for running onto the road. My older son Jacob is great in these situations because I usually have him run outside to watch Liam while I finish getting ready. The problem is that Liam’s anxiety rubs off on me. I find myself panicking when I’d normally get those pre-outing things done at my own pace. What I do is force a slower-paced calm that I’m not really feeling. I actually have to fight down the urge to run manically around the house trying to do ten things at once; instead, I walk slowly, ever so slowly, over to the first thing I need to do and so on. Does this work? Sometimes, depending on how much more I remember I have to do. The difference between me and Liam? Liam is selective and serial in his obsessions while I like to randomly obsess over everything. Go figure.

It’s the end of the day and as usual I am lying in my bed with Liam beside me and we are watching something on Treehouse. As strange as this might sound, I have developed a liking for these shows because they represent my cuddle time with Liam. It is the one time of day that I can just rest with him beside me. Liam gets pretty upset if we have company over and I’m not able to lie down with him. Once or twice over the past few years, I’ve found Liam sleeping with his favorite pjs of mine spread out on the bed (he really likes this one pink top with hearts which I dislike but can’t bring myself to give away). He had waited for me to come to him, put on my pyjamas and lie down with him and I never got there. Talk about pulling at the old heart strings.

Lately, Liam’s behavior has veered towards the unpredictable. It’s coming to the end of summer and he is looking forward to school with a mixture of trepidation and excitement. He is fearful, not so much about starting school again but about the wait. Like a lot of kids with autism, the wait for some change to come about is very difficult, both on him and us. Tell this kid in the morning that we are having take-out pizza that evening, you had better make sure you aren’t spending the day with him because you will pay for your so called innocent remark. If Liam has a day off from school and is doing pretty well on that day, you may not get the constant requests for pizza until the afternoon. If you are successful at redirecting him and have lots of activities planned that day, the day may be salvaged but if you’ve had a day at home trying to keep him occupied and he’s not in the best frame of mind, you could have a child on your hands who, for 8 hours intermittently, has been following you around telling you its time for pizza.

This story on its surface is very cute and as I sit here and write about my life with this special little boy, I realize that I have been blessed beyond measure. However, I cannot make the mistake of trying to handle all of this stuff on my own because my life as mother and primary caretaker of this little one is a difficult one. Not owning up to that fact can lead me to foolishly believe I don’t need the Lord Jesus when in fact I need Him every second of every day. You see, I not only want to make it through my harrowing time with him, I want to actually be content in all my time with him and only the Lord can do that for me.

Liam, baby bear Poolie and I are lying here side by side in my bed—I’m blogging and Liam is watching Baby Frazzle with Franklin on next. He hurt his back earlier because he lost his balance on the dining room chair and fell. It took my husband Karl about 20 minutes to settle him down, no easy task because all Liam wanted to do was physically lash out. Liam seemed to calm down but once let go, ran towards me with the intention to head butt. It doesn’t take me too long to realize what he’s about to do so I am able to head him off at the pass but I have to be fast.

My husband is really much better than I am at handling Liam during his fits because he is firmer with Liam. Whereas I tend to coddle him, Karl intentionally raises his voice so that Liam knows he means business. There is a trick to handling Liam during one of his meltdowns—act angry without really being angry. Here’s the thing—Liam can tell when you’re losing it and this can work to our disadvantage. Liam can step up the action ten-fold if he sees weakness on our part and that can take even longer for us to calm him down.

Liam had a rough day at his therapy-based day camp. His instructional therapist told me he had many behaviours and was set off by the squealing and crying of the other kids. This is nothing new—he can’t handle anyone else’s behaviours but they sure have to put with his. His therapist looked a little tired and I find myself thanking the Lord for such caring people in his life. You definitely have to find these kids pretty cute in order to make a living helping them. We have had very few professionals in Liam’s life that haven’t fallen in love with him, behaviours and all. The worker that took Liam on his camping trip last week couldn’t wait to tell me some of the cute things he said and did. She got this little twinkle in her eye and I could just tell how much she adores him. I am always so comforted to see that twinkle because it means that he is being looked after and more importantly, loved.

The most wonderful thing happened yesterday afternoon when Liam came home from his camping trip. Normally, this little boy has a tough time giving full out hugs or showing any affection at all, for that matter, at appropriate times. He is more apt to hug you at a time when he needs some affection or when he wants to show you some affection but not when one is expected to give out hugs like hellos and goodbyes. But Liam surprised me this time around by running up to me, dropping his sleeping bag and pillow and giving me a big hug with his arms wrapped fully around me. I find myself wondering if this remarkable action took a great deal of concentration or whether he was able to do this spontaneously or a mixture of both perhaps. For Liam, the social niceties we perform daily does not come easily, not unlike the effort it takes him to speak. At the same time, Liam loves big (not to mention falls apart big) and that means he’s coming out of his shell just a little bit more.

Ok, so on to the falling apart stuff—I had promised Liam McDonald’s for supper this evening and it was only 3:45pm when we picked up Jake together at his basketball camp. Liam of course decided that we needed to go to McDonald’s right at that moment and got a little upset when Jacob wanted to have his supper a little later. So depending on my mental state on that particular day, I usually have only two options: give in to Liam and make Jacob have an earlier supper (the number 1 choice on most occasions) or risk a huge melt-down and say no to Liam. Today, given that I wanted Jacob to have some sort of say in the matter and given that I felt somewhat human, I courageously told Liam we were going home and heading back in later for supper. Well, this went over like a lead balloon and well, you probably know the rest, Jake and I endured kicking, yelling and the untying of his seat belt (but only once). In the past, I could barely drive during these times but these days, Liam manages himself much better and has stopped hitting me while driving which I consider huge. This small act of aggression curtailed has made a tremendous difference in what I am willing to do and not do. Five years ago, if Liam was in a bad mood, it would most likely result in some pretty unpredictable behaviours while out but now, Liam gets past his bad moods so quickly that almost any outing seems doable. And that makes a better life for our family.