Liam, baby bear Poolie and I are lying here side by side in my bed—I’m blogging and Liam is watching Baby Frazzle with Franklin on next. He hurt his back earlier because he lost his balance on the dining room chair and fell. It took my husband Karl about 20 minutes to settle him down, no easy task because all Liam wanted to do was physically lash out. Liam seemed to calm down but once let go, ran towards me with the intention to head butt. It doesn’t take me too long to realize what he’s about to do so I am able to head him off at the pass but I have to be fast.

My husband is really much better than I am at handling Liam during his fits because he is firmer with Liam. Whereas I tend to coddle him, Karl intentionally raises his voice so that Liam knows he means business. There is a trick to handling Liam during one of his meltdowns—act angry without really being angry. Here’s the thing—Liam can tell when you’re losing it and this can work to our disadvantage. Liam can step up the action ten-fold if he sees weakness on our part and that can take even longer for us to calm him down.

Liam had a rough day at his therapy-based day camp. His instructional therapist told me he had many behaviours and was set off by the squealing and crying of the other kids. This is nothing new—he can’t handle anyone else’s behaviours but they sure have to put with his. His therapist looked a little tired and I find myself thanking the Lord for such caring people in his life. You definitely have to find these kids pretty cute in order to make a living helping them. We have had very few professionals in Liam’s life that haven’t fallen in love with him, behaviours and all. The worker that took Liam on his camping trip last week couldn’t wait to tell me some of the cute things he said and did. She got this little twinkle in her eye and I could just tell how much she adores him. I am always so comforted to see that twinkle because it means that he is being looked after and more importantly, loved.

The most wonderful thing happened yesterday afternoon when Liam came home from his camping trip. Normally, this little boy has a tough time giving full out hugs or showing any affection at all, for that matter, at appropriate times. He is more apt to hug you at a time when he needs some affection or when he wants to show you some affection but not when one is expected to give out hugs like hellos and goodbyes. But Liam surprised me this time around by running up to me, dropping his sleeping bag and pillow and giving me a big hug with his arms wrapped fully around me. I find myself wondering if this remarkable action took a great deal of concentration or whether he was able to do this spontaneously or a mixture of both perhaps. For Liam, the social niceties we perform daily does not come easily, not unlike the effort it takes him to speak. At the same time, Liam loves big (not to mention falls apart big) and that means he’s coming out of his shell just a little bit more.

Ok, so on to the falling apart stuff—I had promised Liam McDonald’s for supper this evening and it was only 3:45pm when we picked up Jake together at his basketball camp. Liam of course decided that we needed to go to McDonald’s right at that moment and got a little upset when Jacob wanted to have his supper a little later. So depending on my mental state on that particular day, I usually have only two options: give in to Liam and make Jacob have an earlier supper (the number 1 choice on most occasions) or risk a huge melt-down and say no to Liam. Today, given that I wanted Jacob to have some sort of say in the matter and given that I felt somewhat human, I courageously told Liam we were going home and heading back in later for supper. Well, this went over like a lead balloon and well, you probably know the rest, Jake and I endured kicking, yelling and the untying of his seat belt (but only once). In the past, I could barely drive during these times but these days, Liam manages himself much better and has stopped hitting me while driving which I consider huge. This small act of aggression curtailed has made a tremendous difference in what I am willing to do and not do. Five years ago, if Liam was in a bad mood, it would most likely result in some pretty unpredictable behaviours while out but now, Liam gets past his bad moods so quickly that almost any outing seems doable. And that makes a better life for our family.

Karl, the kids and I went to my in-laws’ cottage this past weekend, something we’ve taken to doing a fair amount these past few summers. It’s a great cottage with lots of room to sleep, a fair size kitchen, electricity and satellite tv. The one hitch is that it’s a water access only cottage which means that once we arrive, Liam has to ride it out the whole weekend. So after a somewhat long day of getting some work in at the desk, buying groceries for the weekend and packing us all up, Karl and I manage to get out the door by 3:30pm and make our way over to the kids’ day camps. We pick Jacob up first and by the time we get to the school hosting Liam’s camp, we are running a few minutes late. Liam is sitting out front with a worker, waiting for us. As we pull up to the school, he spots the boat attached to the back of our truck and runs away as fast as he can in the opposite direction. You see, Liam has a love/hate relationship with the cottage. On the one hand, he knows he’s going to get sugar coated cereals, bonfires with junk food and swimming but on the other he will not be at home, his comfort zone. Anyway, Jake and I cracked up laughing as Karl ran after him. He just looked so cute with his pack sack on running as fast as his legs could carry him.

Yesterday morning, Liam left to go camping again, this time with a group of workers and special needs kids. When I woke up that morning, I hadn’t packed his clothes yet so he took it upon himself to go get his suitcase and start the process. He wrote out a little story on the computer about what he would be doing while he was camping. These stories are really special because of the sentences he is able to put together. The spelling and grammar may not be perfect but he is able to get his thoughts across in sentence format. Here is what he wrote about his upcoming trip:

Going to Camp

So Janefer and Liam.C Are going to the Camping trip where gona have Supper and you have a BonFire and we could go to sleep in the Camp and then we could have Breakfast and Go for a Walk to the Forest but Treehouse is Broken we could watch movies in the Camp but first Lunch and Supper and then we could watch a Movie and then we could go to bed then I could have Breakfast and then we could go Home.

He can be quite obsessive when waiting to go somewhere and I think writing about it helps to calm him down. A written story helps Liam to photograph the event in his mind, thus making it exciting for him. The trick is not to have him imagine it too early in the week or day because you will never hear the end of it. I’ve had Liam follow me around for hours and hours when, for example, a pizza will be ordered for supper or when we are supposed to go out for dinner. The pizza/restaurant could be five hours away but he will ask me repeatedly about it throughout the day. Ah yes, it is very fortunate that my son is cute.

Liam was in a particularly good mood this morning. He was about to get the cereal he had asked me to pick up the night before and that alone was enough to start his day off on the right foot. It's 5:00am when he comes to get me out of bed. He then runs to the kitchen and is waiting for me by the island with his trademark grin. Liam's smile is special because most kids by age nine have more of an adult smile - you know what I mean - that slightly reserved, slightly hesitant, slightly grown-up kind of smile but Liam's smile is totally amazing because his whole face lights up in the hugest grin you've ever seen. When he smiles or laughs, he reminds me of a small child who can't hide his delight.

However, he was not expressing quite so much delight a few hours later. I had to drive both he and Jacob to their day camps and had driven about a km down my road when I realized that I had forgotten Liam's pack sack. Not a big deal right? All that was needed was for me to turn around and go back to get the bag right? Wrong, in my world this could mean a whole bunch of trouble. First of all, I was seriously running out of gas and if I initiated a turn around and stalled, well that could make things much, much worse. Liam was quite stressed out by this point and desperately wanted me to turn around. While he wailed, I began to call my husband, all the while trying to reassure Liam between screams that Daddy was bringing his bag to the gas station. So, Liam continues on with his fit, I'm getting myself some gas and Jacob is fielding his onslaught in the van. Karl comes over with the bag, Liam tries to hit him but essentially calms down soon afterward. At this point, several things are going through my mind - why didn't I get gas last night while I was out, why did I have to forget his bag in the doorway when I left that morning and why aren't I more organized in general? For one thing, waiting to the last minute on anything puts me in a difficult position if something should go wrong. Liam doesn't ever handle last minute snags very well. I have to be five steps ahead of the game at all times and that can be trying to say the least. As Liam gets older, I know he will be better able to cope with these hiccups of life but for now they are monumental for everyone concerned. One things for sure, our life sure isn't boring!

I am currently sitting in my bed (my husband says its my favorite spot in the whole house) and blogging on the laptop. I love this computer because it enables me to be in my bed doing what I consider to be something long overdue - journalling or putting my experiences in writing. My family life gives me plenty to write about and I think it rather good for me to actually put into words my experiences. You see, we have kind of a unique situation around here - I have a son with autism who gives my husband Karl, my eleven year old son Jacob and myself, a run for our money. If you wake up in the morning feeling the least bit tired, grumpy or even inclined to go to the washroom, not to worry, Liam can get those thoughts out of you in two seconds flat. That's the thing with autism, it tends to be a very self centered disorder. The upside you ask? It leaves you very little time to ponder your own stuff (for the navel gazer in me, this is not such a bad thing.) Anyway, I've got to tell you that raising a kid like Liam takes any thoughts of oneself and shoots them out the window.

Today was one of those days. Liam had a really hard time when I picked him up from the centre where he has his therapy/summer camp. I made the mistake of telling him we were going out for dinner but he din't like the restaurant choices I was giving him. Not only that, he had been busy obsessing over seeing a kid from school when I so insanely told him about dinner. If I had waited until we got home, at least there would have been no fit in the van, something I absolutely dread. Yet, I handle it so much better than I used to. Now, I do not go anywhere until he settles down and that can take anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour. Today, it took him one half hour to stop kicking the seats, spitting and telling me to "shut up". When I finally pulled out of the parking lot, we went to pick up Jacob at his sport's camp and made it home alive.

What is all of this doing for me? Well, the Lord tells me in His Word, The Bible, that He is building my character, giving me His patience and strength, all the while drawing me closer to Him. And you know what? That is exactly what is happening. On my own, I would be a train wreck waiting to happen but with Him, I find myself able to cope and see things as they really are - that's wisdom folks. Thank you Lord.

My life revolves around driving both my kids to their day camps, coming home and putting a few dishes in the dishwasher, then hitting the desk for an attempted four hours of uninterrupted paper work. When my husband and I decided to buy this business 12 years ago, I hated doing the books. I had never worked with numbers before and had no interest in doing so. But time (not to mention maturity) sometimes have a way of making what your doing fulfilling, especially when its your own business. It has only been the past six years (since Liam's diagnosis) that I've discovered that I actually need my job. It has given me something to do other than taking care of an autistic child. If a job can be thought of as an escape then that's how I feel. I am so embroiled in the life of my autistic child that I sometimes don't know where I end and where he begins. My job also gives me a feeling of pride that I've never experienced before. I actually believe myself to be good at it. If I were to analyze this further, I think I enjoy being in control at work, something I don't feel I have in my other life with Liam. Who knew work could be so therapeutic?

My summer with Liam so far? Well, he is busy most days during the week and when he comes home, he is tired and ready to settle down for the night at 7:30 or 8:00pm. He wants to eat constantly but his fits are certainly not what they used to be a few years back. The frequency, severity and length of the episodes have all decreased substantially, so much so that my eleven year old son Jacob can handle staying by him in his room when he's having a rough time. By the way, having an older child whose mature for his age can help a mother tremendously in taking the load off when hubby can't be around.

I just left for a minute to pour Liam's bath - it is 7:00pm and he will want his snack soon. He is sitting in the tub now talking to himself about one of his movies saying something about "purple hair". Lately, he's taken to putting mousse on his hair after his bath and using the blow dryer to spike it up. He's out of the tub now and I've just given him his Honey Nut Cheerios. I leave my blog feeling very blessed to have such a family and life.

This morning, Liam was a little cutie-pie. He got up late which allowed me to sleep until 6:30am (when that happens his cuteness factor goes way, way up the measuring meter). But more sleep is not the only reason I enjoyed him so thouroughly this morning. My little guy is the cuddliest boy you would ever want to meet. This morning while I am doing pilates via internet, he jumps on my stomach (while I was trying to lift my legs and stretch out my arms out simultaneously) and kisses my neck. Although I am being interrupted, I love it when he jumps on me and cuddles. After a few minutes he can get kind of heavy (he weighs 100 pounds or so) but he is just so cute.

Only a few more days until Jacob comes back from camp and I am missing his beautiful face around the house. I know however that it is good for Jacob to be gone a few days without his brother around. Jacob has a lot of responsibility in our home and yet at the same time he is sometimes treated like an only child. Jacob gets that after hours attention and one-on-one time with each of us that we don't worry about so much with Liam.

I am leaving on a trip with my mother tomorrow and look forward to spending some time with her. Liam was repeating my itinerary yesterday and again this morning gearing himself up for my being away a few days. He kept verbally reassuring himself that "Mommy would be home Friday" and that "Saturday Liam would get pizza out at the camp." We try to get out to my in laws' water access only cottage as many weekends of the summer that we can manage and the only way I could talk Liam into it this coming weekend was to promise him pizza. Liam doesn't mind the camp but he would certainly prefer to be at home most weekends. Yes, there is sattelite television out there and yes, he can colour to his heart's content but there is no computer and my kid loves the computer.

I hope to be blogging again soon. Good night.

Day 4

I stop to think sometimes about how attached I am to my own routine. I like knowing that A leads to B which eventually makes its way to C. However, raising a child with autism means that A doesn't necessarily lead to B but could quite possibly make its way over to W all at once and finds its way back to G. About the only thing I can count on these days is that Liam is going to be feeling off this summer. What I don't really know is the severity of his feelings and how these emotions are going to affect our family. Jacob is at camp this week and while I miss his company, I also miss the extra pair of hands to help me when Liam is having a rough morning. At eleven, Jacob is able to take him our for short walks around our neighbourhood, chase after him when he's run out the house and sit by him when he's having a fit.


His centre based therapy was starting this morning but instead of the usual 9am-3pm schedule, this year the camp was scheduled from 10am-3pm. While this might not seem like such a big deal to most of us, Liam can't handle this kind of change especially when his whole world is already upside down. He proceeded to follow me around insisting that we leave for the center and it was only 8:30am. It is at these times that I get very afraid wondering if I'm going to be able to make it through the 1/2 hour or even possibly an hour of anxious obsessing from Liam. Sometimes this fear overtakes me and I start wondering how I am going to get through tomorrow and the day after. The Lord has helped me to understand that fear puts me in a position of vulnerability or weakness because fear leads to less faith in my Lord. He promises me strength through His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ and when I fear, I miss out on what He has to reveal to me and anytime He has something to share, just know it is too good to be missed.

Well, Liam finally got to attend Ice Age 3 this evening with me and the night went very well. Movies can be harrowing experiences for us as a family because something in the movie could set him off and he has been known to take it out on the person in the seat in front of us. Two years ago, he hit a twelve year old girl in the row ahead of him because he was overstimulated by a scene in the movie. The girl didn't even turn around and the mother just smiled warmly at me after I apologized. I knew then the family must know autism because the typical reaction in this kind of situation is not usually warmth. Tonight, however, he was very cute, yelling out all the characters names before the movie and as we were leaving the theater, yelling out a goodbye to each character. Well, got to go - it's after ten pm and my eyes are starting to close. As Liam would say "goodbye friend"

Day 3

I'm just about to settle down for the night - it is almost 10:00pm Monday night and I'm lying in bed (having just finished watching the National with my husband) contemplating this journal that I began two days ago. I really want to post something daily but don't want to put so much pressure on myself that it because another thing to do rather than something I want to do.

Liam got me up at 5:00am this morning but was so excited to do his own thing upstairs that he left me downstairs to fall asleep again until 7:ooam. While I didn't exactly hate catching up on my sleep, for some reason the nap left me slightly on edge. My husband was getting ready for work and I had to get Liam ready for his worker to pick him up at 9:00am. Liam has a few things to keep him busy during the summer - one is a therapy-based summer camp for kids with austim and the other is a once-a-week fun camp for special needs children. Today, he was attending the latter and his worker was due to pick him up at 9:00am. Liam was in pretty good spirits today but I've been noticing an edge to him this past week since summer holidays commenced. You see, Liam does not do very well during holidays in general but finds it particularly difficult to cope during, what must seem like for him, an endless eight weeks. He enjoys the things he gets to do, the weather, the bonfires (with lots of junk food) but he still misses the comfort of familiar routine.
Yet, this morning was a good morning. Liam even decided he wanted to make his own lunch, something he's never wanted to do before. Before I could stop him, he had the peanut butter and jam out to make his sandwich. As I've previously mentioned, my kid loves to eat and normally he would insist on a fairly big lunch but not today - today he wanted only his sandwich, a handful of cereal and a banana. When I asked to I could add a yogurt tube or cereal bar, his answer was an emphatic no. The reason for his pared down lunch, you ask? I had a sneaking suspicion he was banking on some goodies at the show he had been obsessing over for the past week. He really wanted to see that show today and thought that if he mentioned it to me enough times, his dream would become reality. "Liam go to the show with Miss Jennifer", "Liam wants to see Ice Age 3" - "Liam and Miss Jennifer see Ice Age 3". My answer? The same as it had been all week- maybe. I have to tell you that kids with autism don't handle maybes well, probably because it's an uncertainty and uncertainties of any decription don't fly in their worlds. Liam's response in an accepting tone of voice was- "maybe next week" - but don't let that fool you, he wasn't saying this because he had accepted the "maybe" but rather was trying to nail me down for some concrete day that I couldn't give him. If I had said "yes, it will be next wednesday at 7:00pm", he would have screamed and hollered because it wasn't today but he would have felt better about having a definite. What a kid!

He then leaves and I feel a little out of sorts - the past few hours have been so busy that I feel a letdown. How weird it that? As hard as it is sometimes, he is defintely missed when he leaves the house. The day flies by as I settle myself into work mode (I work out of my home). I attempt to leave housework and concentrate solely on my work. Liam is driven home at 3:45pm and not so much as ten minutes later, he starts obsessing over making himself a wooden Pinnochio doll. He bolts outside before I even know which way is up and with no shoes, makes his way over to our wood pile at the side of the house. A few minutes laters, in he comes with a hunk of wood. After explaining to him that we have no tools to make a wooden doll, he proceeds to start screaming and wailing. I wouldn't get so stressed if he would just stay where he is, but he decides to start running around the house and I know what inevitably happens then - something gets thrown or trashed and today was no exception - Liam grabs his Dad's cell phone sitting on the island and throws it across the room. Of course, it crashes into pieces and at this point I'm just relieved his Dad is in the shop. I pick it up and by the grace of the Lord, I am able to put it back in one piece. I am even able to turn it on again - yeah! At this point, I'm trying to stay calm and asking the Lord to keep me calm. I want a peaceful life, I want to be content during these times but how do I make that happen? I know it will be a few more minutes before he will calm and I just want quiet, more than that, I want my life back again. The fear wells up in me at this point because I know the next fifteen minutes or more will be devoted to keeping him from hitting me or tearing apart the house. This summer I think will have its difficult moments.

Day 2

My day today was a hectic one. My son Liam usually comes into our room to get me at 5:00am but this morning he gave me an extra hour and got me up at 6:00am. Funny though, I still feel as tired as I usually do at the end of the day. It is currently 6:30pm, we've just finished supper and Liam is getting out of the bath about to have his nightly snack. This routine is extremely important to him and to me as well because it signals a settling down time for us both. Right n0w I am lying in my bed writing this blog and pretty soon Liam will be joining me for some cuddle time and Treehouse tv. I look forward to this time with him every day because I love to lie beside him and snuggle up. He's usually pretty excited when he first climbs in with me and really only settles down when he's ready to pass out. I find it strange that although he messes up the blankets by kicking and squirming, this is by far the most relaxing time of my day. There is that unmistakable nightly feeling of relief knowing that he will stay settled there beside me and I won't have to worry about doing anything but lying in bed and watch a little Treehouse.

Today, my husband and I dropped my older son Jacob off at his Bible camp for the week and drove home for a spaghetti supper I'd prepared this morning. I will miss my eleven year old son for a variety of reasons - he's wonderfully loving, a big help with Liam and loves to spend time with us at night after Liam goes down to bed. I tell you, I'm down for the count by 8:30 or 9:00pm most nights but I know my husband really enjoys his company at night and will miss this nightly companionship. I have to admit that I feel like a wrung-out rag by the time Liam goes to bed and don't have much left for my older son by this point. I find myself feeling guilty about this and try to make it up to him in other ways. For instance, there is an X-Box game, some arcade game about fish, that Jake downloaded a few days ago and I've been enjoying the occasional games he and I have been able to play together. This morning, after he got up, I went downstairs to play with him for a bit. Liam was able to come down with us and watch us for a while. My husband was still asleep and I've become increasingly fearful of leaving Liam alone upstairs because he has taken to leaving the house without telling anyone. This is something we worried about when he was 2, 3 and 4 years of age but have not had any problems with this kind of thing for the past five years. You see, Liam has not really enjoyed time outside because it usually requires some kind of physical activity, something my little one tries to avoid at all costs.

Right now, he is standing beside me obessing over going to Disney World next May. He wants me to say that yes, we will be returning there next year even though we just returned from there in May. He tries to physically move my lips with his fingers but I nod my head from side to side, point to the bathroom and tell him to go brush his teeth. He can be extremely obsessive and can keep at me for several minutes on the thing he wants. This can be extremely exhausting. Well, Liam has climbed in and I will be ending my second journal day. I have to say that I was looking forward to writing this blog today and couldn't wait to lie down and pour out my day.

Day 1

I've always want to write a journal and this morning, after talking to my Father about his blog page, I decided to start one of my own. I think what I would like to do is just simply talk about my life and maybe vent a little. I have a nine year old child with autism and probably have a pretty crazy life compared to some. I also have another boy whose eleven and who thankfully does not have this disorder. It is a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon and we just came in from outside. Liam drives me crazy when he is at home full days, with food. He wants to eat constantly and doesn't leave me alone until he gets what he wants. As soon as we came in the door, he requested chips because I foolishly bought some for the weekend. He ended up getting cereal because I wanted to start writing this blog. If I have any of the junk foods he loves(chips, cookies, any kind of bar), I am toast because he will torture me until he gets it. When we are at home together, I feel like I'm in kind of a limbo state of existence - I can't get into anything too seriously because at any moment he might need help with something, having a fit and trying to get into food he's not supposed to have. As I write this, he is crying and shouting "hiccups" and "my eyes are getting burned". He has now stopped and has decided to go outside with his Dad and brother. I have just checked on him and I am now back to the computer desperately hoping to get a few more moments of peace before he comes back inside. I have been trying to find something these past several years to help me to relax while at home with him. Knitting hasn't worked because it takes too much concentration, reading is difficult because he could interrupt me at any time, watching tv becomes too empty after a while - maybe I've finally found the thing, the thing to do that will help me to cope throughout my days - writing everything I can down in a journal and praying for release from my fear of the long day or hours ahead or the fear of other long days like it and how I'm going to cope. I am a born-again Christian which means that I have a personal relationship with my Saviour Jesus Christ and He runs my life. He is the center of my existence and has been the One I rely on for everything. He wants me to have a good life, He does not want me to be unhappy and fearful - He wants me to live the freedom that Christ gave me, He wants me to grab hold of this freedom. I still have a ways to go though before I'm able to feel that peaceful existence for which I long. Well, I don't know if I'll be blogging once a day, twice a week or twice a day - I just know that I want this journalling to be therapeutic, something that I look forward to doing.