Day 3

I'm just about to settle down for the night - it is almost 10:00pm Monday night and I'm lying in bed (having just finished watching the National with my husband) contemplating this journal that I began two days ago. I really want to post something daily but don't want to put so much pressure on myself that it because another thing to do rather than something I want to do.

Liam got me up at 5:00am this morning but was so excited to do his own thing upstairs that he left me downstairs to fall asleep again until 7:ooam. While I didn't exactly hate catching up on my sleep, for some reason the nap left me slightly on edge. My husband was getting ready for work and I had to get Liam ready for his worker to pick him up at 9:00am. Liam has a few things to keep him busy during the summer - one is a therapy-based summer camp for kids with austim and the other is a once-a-week fun camp for special needs children. Today, he was attending the latter and his worker was due to pick him up at 9:00am. Liam was in pretty good spirits today but I've been noticing an edge to him this past week since summer holidays commenced. You see, Liam does not do very well during holidays in general but finds it particularly difficult to cope during, what must seem like for him, an endless eight weeks. He enjoys the things he gets to do, the weather, the bonfires (with lots of junk food) but he still misses the comfort of familiar routine.
Yet, this morning was a good morning. Liam even decided he wanted to make his own lunch, something he's never wanted to do before. Before I could stop him, he had the peanut butter and jam out to make his sandwich. As I've previously mentioned, my kid loves to eat and normally he would insist on a fairly big lunch but not today - today he wanted only his sandwich, a handful of cereal and a banana. When I asked to I could add a yogurt tube or cereal bar, his answer was an emphatic no. The reason for his pared down lunch, you ask? I had a sneaking suspicion he was banking on some goodies at the show he had been obsessing over for the past week. He really wanted to see that show today and thought that if he mentioned it to me enough times, his dream would become reality. "Liam go to the show with Miss Jennifer", "Liam wants to see Ice Age 3" - "Liam and Miss Jennifer see Ice Age 3". My answer? The same as it had been all week- maybe. I have to tell you that kids with autism don't handle maybes well, probably because it's an uncertainty and uncertainties of any decription don't fly in their worlds. Liam's response in an accepting tone of voice was- "maybe next week" - but don't let that fool you, he wasn't saying this because he had accepted the "maybe" but rather was trying to nail me down for some concrete day that I couldn't give him. If I had said "yes, it will be next wednesday at 7:00pm", he would have screamed and hollered because it wasn't today but he would have felt better about having a definite. What a kid!

He then leaves and I feel a little out of sorts - the past few hours have been so busy that I feel a letdown. How weird it that? As hard as it is sometimes, he is defintely missed when he leaves the house. The day flies by as I settle myself into work mode (I work out of my home). I attempt to leave housework and concentrate solely on my work. Liam is driven home at 3:45pm and not so much as ten minutes later, he starts obsessing over making himself a wooden Pinnochio doll. He bolts outside before I even know which way is up and with no shoes, makes his way over to our wood pile at the side of the house. A few minutes laters, in he comes with a hunk of wood. After explaining to him that we have no tools to make a wooden doll, he proceeds to start screaming and wailing. I wouldn't get so stressed if he would just stay where he is, but he decides to start running around the house and I know what inevitably happens then - something gets thrown or trashed and today was no exception - Liam grabs his Dad's cell phone sitting on the island and throws it across the room. Of course, it crashes into pieces and at this point I'm just relieved his Dad is in the shop. I pick it up and by the grace of the Lord, I am able to put it back in one piece. I am even able to turn it on again - yeah! At this point, I'm trying to stay calm and asking the Lord to keep me calm. I want a peaceful life, I want to be content during these times but how do I make that happen? I know it will be a few more minutes before he will calm and I just want quiet, more than that, I want my life back again. The fear wells up in me at this point because I know the next fifteen minutes or more will be devoted to keeping him from hitting me or tearing apart the house. This summer I think will have its difficult moments.